Why bother? Something to ponder

Why have a blog if i don't tell anyone about it? I'm not sure....
Am i ready to share?...

Half Way There...

So in just a few days i will be 35 years old. I would have lost a bet 20 years ago if you told me this was where i would be and what i would be doing. I would have lost that bet 5 years ago...
There is so much life left to live. There are so many things left to accomplish. So many things on my heart that I would like to see happen.... And quite a few that i would have liked to see already.
I feel like my desire to live a better life with Jesus in the middle has trumped anything that i ever thought could be. Sure, there are things that i wish were different or i had made better choices in quite a few areas, but i'm trying really hard to live in the now. To not regret, but to learn and move on. To make sure that the choices i make today are prayed about so that they do not have negative consequences. Not that there won't be problems, but that i will work them out in my heart with the person who lives there; let Him decide for me, or at least guide me to the right decision.
I'm registering for the GRE at the end of the month. Ready or not. I won't do it if i keep expecting to be "ready" for it. And this must be done. I get this sense that this is something so big that if i don't do it, He will not let it die, but hand it to someone else. My test.
God holds me so good. Even in the times when i don't want to study. Don't want to press in to Him for fear of what may come out of it. I see Him, feel Him, know that He's there, and has been the entire time. Crying with me when i was sad. Crying for me when i sinned. Cheering me on when i was running the race with gusto and energy. Loving me all the way. I believe that even now, no matter what happens with the GRE, my life will take a road that only He can chart for me. But He must have big things for me to call me to do something that is so incredibly out of my comfort zone.
Will this happen before i turn 40? I defended my thesis on my 28th birthday..... I guess we will see....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Indecision

I sit here today in the midst of wondering what in the world to do with the rest of my life. If my life is as long as any of my forefathers, i will indeed live at least another 50 or 60 years. Daunting. I don't want to spend those years wondering "what if?". But what if i can't decide what's next? And why can't i decide what's next? Did i hear wrong? Is Norman not it? PhD? MA #2? Certificate in something? Or just live life out on a job that i go to everyday???
I have no idea. I'm scared to ask anymore because i've spent six months asking. Lots and lots of TWJ and no real answer for what my next step should/could be.
Word of God speak!

Life & Death

There is life and death in the tongue, Proverbs 18:21.
The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. James 3:6 Both NIV
I have tongue trouble. I say too much too often about too many things and am making more of an effort to think before i speak. Being aware of it, makes it all the harder actually. I don't want to say anything to anyone out of turn, but have no trouble hiding my disdain for someone. I'm working on praying for them instead of talking about them. Having done this a couple of times has netted me some pretty prophetic pictures and words for these people. I think God is saying "See, this is how you can use your power for good instead of evil." I want so much to pass this test and pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit to not only pass it, but pass it well. I really, really hate it when i mess up but hope beyond hope that i can keep trying. This is the one area that has been a battle for years. I'm trying to get it right this time!

Sure of the Unseen

One year ago, i applied to a discipleship training school called Elevate. I wanted to hear what God had to say about me straight from the source. I was feeling so much like He created me as an after thought, an accident, something to keep Him entertained on rainy days.....ok that part might be a little true. I was feeling like my life in its entirety was a mistake. The literal lowest of the low. The enemy had been playing evil mind games with me for the past 20 years and i just couldn't take it anymore. I decided that i would take whatever God was dishing out and move on from there. 

So for 11 months, i did 8 hours of class, about 20 pages of reading a day, at least one hour of time with Jesus per day, Life Group one night a week and Sunday services every Sunday which should also include one hour of service to the church in some way. Long list, right? Right. It's even longer if you're the absolute farthest you can be from "Type A". But i tell you, i heard from God in so many miraculous ways. 

It's hard to not hear the truth when it is spoken into you three days a week and again on Sunday. Having life spoken into you is something i will share with every. Single. Person that i meet in life. I try to do with cashiers, delivery guys, my doctor (who is a Believer). Watching the face of someone light up when you tell them how important they are to God makes my day. And i am so incredibly amazed that God would use little old me, who thinks ---- correction -- used to think nothing of herself to encourage and spread the true Father Heart of God. 

Throughout the process, i kept wondering what would come next. I had a part time job making very little money and was not really sure what to do next. Do i get a job in my old field? Do i leave Waco or stay? Should i church shop when i'm finished? I had no idea. Since the early spring, however one thing in particular had continued to creep to the forefront of my brain. Antioch Community Church has church plants all over the country. I was very attracted to the most recent plant in Raleigh, North Carolina. God wasn't. So back to my knees. Then, i heard a church leader by the name of Bennett out of Norman, Oklahoma. Their story. Their hearts. They really touched me. Really. I started to think "I could do that. I could move to Norman and be a part of their church community and just live life there. They are doing wonderful things, and well i think that would be kinda neat." So i prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Not wanting to cloud my judgment with my desire to leave Waco, I wanted to be sure......And now, i am.

By October 1, 2011, i will be living in Norman, Oklahoma. It's a huge decision and i'm scared to death but i think that's why it's the right time and i'm hearing the right things. Usually, if i am afraid, the enemy has planted it there. I've started a job search and hope to start a home search soon. I was talking to God about this and asking "God, am i really hearing you in all of this? Is this you or is this me?" I heard Him say "My sheep hear my voice."

I am sure. As sure as i was of Elevate. As sure as i was of Uganda as a mission trip choice. 

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

I am trusting that this is where God is leading me. I talked to Him about this more than anything i think ever. I'm choosing to believe that even if i am hearing wrong, He will shut the door OR bless it anyway.

We shall see which way we will go!

What's next

The last entry was written when my Grandma was supposed to stay for a few months. She decided she wanted to go home instead... It was a sad day, but her wishes must be honored since a part of dealing with dementia is making sure the person is comfortable... She is ok now. Better, and that's good.
I've finished a discipleship training school called Elevate. You spend 11 months at the feet of Jesus and getting to know His true heart and desires for you. I was scared to death, but afraid of dying so i dove in.
There were days when depression would so consume me, that i would close my eyes and wonder if death had a feeling. I wanted nothing more than to be with Jesus forever. I thought my life was unfixable, just one huge mistake. Oh how wrong i was! And Oh how happy i am that i was wrong!
The peace that comes from hearing God speak to you is one that cannot be compared with anything i've ever experienced.
Yes, my life WAS a mess. A beautiful mess that God used to move me along and help others. I see myself so differently now. The lenses are not dark anymore. Bright, sunshiny, beautiful lenses!
I can't wait to see what's next!

The Beginning

Gram is in dialysis right now. She should be finished in about an hour. The dietitian just left and the physical therapist will be here later today. I was sitting here this morning after the dietitian left and the March Madness tournament on as background noise wondering what in the world I was getting myself into. Can I do this? Take care of my Grandmother all by myself? She has mild dementia. She is on a renal a diet, meaning her kidneys only have 20% function, and a diabetic diet as well. I was thinking about cooking home meals more, being home more, sleeping a little less, but at the same time, being able to love on her in person rather than through a weekly phone call.
I have two of the best Grandmothers in the world. As the oldest grandchild on one side of the family and the oldest girl on the other, I have never, not one time in my life felt a lack of love and affection from my family. Still at 34, it's hard to not be spoiled and nurtured by everyone, rather than used or forgotten. My family is amazing!
At my very core, I consider it an honor and privilege to be able to take care of this for my Mom and for my family.
The best part is having this time with her, just me and her. She asked me to crawl into bed with her last night. I was honored to do so.
The next two months will be hard. There will be days she will not be aware of her surroundings or how she got here. The last two days have been evidence of that. She looked at me once last night and asked me for the dozenth time this week where she was and how she got there. Then there are times that we are able to talk about current events for long stretches with ease. It's confusing for me, and also sad for me. I reassured her last night by letting her know that I forget things all the time and it's ok to forget.
Meanwhile, I have an amazing support system in my family. All of my cousins that know of our situation are behind me 100%. That makes me happy. We get along better than any extended family should, and I love it.
She'll be back from dialysis in just a few minutes and I'm wondering if I'll get the Grandma who knows where she is and why or the Grandma that I'll have to explain the circumstances to again. We'll see.